Category Archives: motherhood

Sharing the Load

One of the things I have been struggling with lately is the notion of myself as a carer. It’s very strange. I remember, when I was expecting my beloved first-born, the very idea of me being the parent, the mother to another person, was astonishing. When he first arrived, a tiny bundle with a home-made hat, safely contained within the hospital Tupperware, there was a suspended time when I looked at him (and to be fair, I repeated the experience a further two times) and wondered what he had to do with me, and what I was supposed to do – and supposed to feel.

At the time, it was one of the things that disturbed me; this idea that I should instantly ‘fall in love’ with my child, as if motherhood, and all it entails, was supposed to come easily, that it was somehow as natural as falling off a log. (‘Cos you know, there’s a lot of falling off logs that goes on in day-to-day life.)

When you think about it, there’s a whole lot of things that mothers are under societal pressure to somehow find a doddle, a pleasure even. Breast feeding. Home-made purees. Broken nights. The wiping of bottoms, noses and sick. Constant laundry. Tidying up after everyone else. The pressure is on to make you feel as if you should Enjoy Every Moment and if you don’t, then there must be something wrong with you. You’re not a Real Woman, or you’re a Bad Mother, you can’t cope or something.

And then, of course, there is the whole disability thing. If you dare to bring to birth a disabled child – and I don’t think that this is specific to Down’s syndrome, although, given the antenatal screening that takes place you really wouldn’t think so – then it’s as if the only acceptable response from you, as a mother, is to throw yourself down on the altar of motherhood, either as some sort of public advocate for disability rights or by negating any needs you might have of your own for a separate kind of life in deference to those of your child (remember the woman who was awarded her own degree, after attending so many lectures with her disabled son, in order to ensure that he actually got there, at her son’s graduation?).

The hardest thing for me, though, is not that we should enjoy this process but that, somehow, the expectation that we should do all of this on our own. We are already isolated, working hard, paying the ginormous mortgage, travelling to work, to and fro, in our little metal boxes. We have separated out work and home, spheres with edges that kiss, but only in the evenings. And it’s not just our personal lives. Apparently there is no “I” in team, but even the seemingly most collaborative, collegiate of professions (teaching, the one I know the most about it has to be said) are increasingly set in the ways of individual competition.

You know, this is where I think we have got it wrong. Bringing up a family, the next generation, no matter how we might construct it, or what our role in it, personal or professional, is not the sort of thing you can do on your own. You need your friends, your wider family, your colleagues, around you. You need the people who are supposed to be supporting you to join you, not to sit in judgement, or complain that you didn’t stick to the plan, or that you are somehow less or shamed because you actually admitted that you needed help.

We can’t do it on our own and that’s OK.

 

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I hate the way

I hate the way I walk in the footsteps of fatigue.
I hate the way of winter.
I hate the way life is magnified.
I hate the way that the setting is slow motion.

 

I hate the way I am no longer independent.
I hate the way I am rarely alone, but constantly lonely.
I hate the way it draws me to conflict.
I hate the way it feels so endless.

 

I hate the way I fear the future.
I hate the way the past is lost.
I hate the way it makes me cry.
I hate the way that I am not supposed to hate.

 

She Stands at the Window and Weeps

The suds slide slowly,
Abandoning the porcelain
For the cooling, greased greyness
And a diminished, laboured repetition.

They echo, with their soft descent,
The trickled tracks
Of raindrops;
Crystalline sisters, wedded to glass.

Their tired decay
A contrasting parallel
To tears
As she stands at the window and weeps.

Elastic

This week has been one of journeys, of visits, to the past, and glimpses of the future. Sam, at 16, is leaving the care of paediatricians, moving towards adult health services, and together, we are making our way between appointments, visiting the places and people of our shared past.

There are changes in us all. Instead of a rough collection of post-war prefabricated huts there is a brand, spanking new Children’s Centre, but, funnily enough, many of the faces are familiar; over the years, the medical staff have rescued one or other of my children from the jaws of whichever illness was threatening to pull them under more than once or twice. One of the reasons, after our housemove, we have opted to stay on at the same trust is the continuity. Many of the health professionals who see Sam for routine check-ups have known him, and me, since he was born.

This week, after the hearing aid debacle (I have checked everywhere, in and out of pockets and bags, the washing machine and the reception desk at college), it was the turn of the heart scan. It’s been on the horizon since the summer; twice now we have had to postpone, due to holiday or work commitments. The date has been on the calendar for at least a month, a final check, just to be sure.

Sam’s heart hasn’t had such close attention since he was three days old. That day, bleak, and grey, the tail end of January, was wet. Instead of sunshine, the crispness of a golden autumn, it was slick. Brown and dirty; the dampness in the air, the remains of tears, the shaky sweat brought on by the hospital and a darkened room cooling in the cold air. Then, he was a tiny baby, he hadn’t been home, hadn’t had his first bath; now he is on the cusp of manhood. This was the morning when together, we looked in the bathroom mirror as he shaved the beard that is slowly roughening his baby face.

It was supposed to be no big deal. Like I said, it’s been on the calendar for months. Over the years, we have got used to dividing our time, not exactly taking turns, but attending the appointments, of which there are many, separately. Most of them are mundane. Most of them require only the polite boredom of waiting your turn, the oft repeated recitation of a medical history, the everso slightly defensive spike, the sensitivity to unsaid, but assumed stereotypes. I was unprepared for the wash of emotion, the tidal return of a day long gone, when I feared, when I truly feared what our future might be.

There was no reason to fear. There was no sign of breathlessness, no dusky tinge to his skin. As he has grown, he has become a vision of good health. I knew that this scan was a formality, a chance for a doctor to see the baby grown, to shake his, and my hand and say goodbye. But still. There are moments when reason does not feel strong. There are times when the echo of the heart is an unstoppable force. It overwhelms, and it catches you out.

We left with a smile. A wry admission that we hope never to meet again was our goodbye. We move on. We may carry the echo of that dark January day, but today there is sunshine. Today, there is tomorrow.

via Daily Prompt: Elastic

That September Feeling

Today was the first day I noticed the morning mist. It hangs, golden, over stubbled fields heavy with dew, slowly disappearing, soaked up by the still-warm, late-summer sunshine of September. We are entering the final third of the last act of summer, and I am surprised that it has taken this long. It’s usually the first week back, the shock of the first INSET morning after the long rest that has me noticing it, curled around the valley floor, but not this year.

This year, September has been, not the delicious irony of glorious settled Indian Summer, but wet. Muddy, wet and cold and an unaccustomed early start to the wearing of long trousers. Instead of sunglasses, I have shivered, donned a raincoat and sadly abandoned my summer shoes. They sit, with the t-shirt I wore only once, on the floor of my bedroom, ever hopeful that warmth will return before they must be put away, hibernating in a dusty box beneath the bed.

It’s used to be that I was invigorated by the September Snap; that first breath of chill as you step out of the front door on the way to school. After a long, boring summer, with nothing to do but read, or hang out with the young people who just happened to be there (as opposed to young people who were actually friends), or, even, reluctantly perform the homework tasks set by teachers who would no doubt forget they ever asked, I was ready for the change, the challenge of a new school year. Now, though, now I am not.

For six long weeks I have them. For six long weeks, my children are mine. Our lives, for a time relive, they ring with the echo of when they were first born, of the time before timetables and bells and detentions and punishments for lateness. For six long weeks (bar the times when I must work, the bills needs paying, after all) we please ourselves. 

You don’t realise the freedom, the release from other people’s expectations, other people’s agendas, until it ends, until the moment when the hamster wheel of packed lunches and school runs, checks for homework and the paying for trips and clubs and music lessons takes up its relentless motion. You thought you were in control – of your own life, of the way your children are brought up – until that moment, and you see again the grey hairs and the burgeoning lines upon your forehead; you feel the pinch of other people’s expectations, etched upon your skin.

Your fingers itch to reach the keyboard, to fill in the blank pages of the home-school diary, to tell the people who don’t know your children all the things, all of the things, to reassure yourself that they know the mountain you are climbing, that they will help, not hinder your progress.

That first breath of September, no longer the chill that rosed the cheeks and quickened the step, must now be held, until you learn to trust.