Just About Coping

There’s a meme that pops up on social media every so often, entitled ‘just about coping’. It’s a lovely space where (most often) parents of children with Down’s syndrome get to advertise the joy that an extra chromosome 21 brings to their lives, how their families aren’t so different from typical ones in the face of overwhelming pity and the tacit societal understanding that life with a disability/disabled child must be rubbish. If you want a smile, search for the hashtag. I promise you will be uplifted.

This post, however, has nothing to do with that. This post is actually about the reality that is just about coping. With work, with life, with money, without money, with parenting, with disability parenting, with getting older and your kids growing up and everyone having different expectations of you and you finding that, instead of somehow being apart from the patriarchy because you disapproved of it, you are just as trapped within it as everyone else.  Life in 2020 doesn’t look like it’s going to get any easier any time soon (sorry), so if, like me, you have a demanding work life and an equally (if not more so) demanding home life and you haven’t got any time for wellbeing because you are, in fact, just about coping, this post is for you.

I haven’t written a wellbeing post since this one; and this one isn’t so much about physical (wash your hands when you get home, EVERY TIME) as mental health. Not that I am an expert, but if you feel like this and you are weighed down with a heavy mental load in both your personal and your working life, then these are the things that (sort of) work for me.

1. Ditch everything you can. I have successfully ditched the making of the packed lunches and the doing of the weekly menu and internet food shop. It does mean that I have to eat stale bread sandwiches with fillings that don’t go to the edge, but as far as I am concerned, this is a small price to pay. The way to achieve this is to just not do it. That way, someone (else) has to step into the breach or there isn’t any food. It has NOT been a successful strategy as far as the disability paperwork and meetings are concerned, nor does it work with personal care or ironing, but I refer you back to the first sentence of this point. Ditch the things you can.
2. Related to the above is to identify the things that drag you down and stop doing them (if you can). I hate cleaning with a passion. I hate it and it drags me down. I resent spending my spare time doing something that I dislike so much. I’ll do it if I have to, but it’s not something that brings me joy. I’ve got a really good cleaner now, to whom I am pathetically grateful, and it helps. My house is, as she tells me, getting better, and that makes my life more pleasant in general. If you’re in a job where people treat you badly, keep your eyes out for a different job. It can take a while.
3. You don’t have to agree to everything. There are things you can say ‘no’ to. You can say no to things in your personal life and at work. It’s OK. You don’t even have to have a reason. You don’t have to be extraordinary to live a good life, to be loved and to love in return. You can just be you.

You may have noticed that there is a theme to my reflections; that of taking away rather than adding, of simplifying rather than increasing the complexity of an already complicated life. There are things you can’t avoid (here’s looking at you, bills) and things that you can’t avoid that lay you low (here’s looking at you social care and I can see you trying to get out of the way, Mr Mortgage); there are always unpleasant things in life that you can’t get away from that have to be got on with. Sometimes taking your brain out and giving it a rest is an excellent option. Sometimes carving some time and space out for yourself is an impossible task.  Sometimes all you can do is grit your teeth. Cope, just about.